Deep-See Diving

Last year, I heard performance coach, John Sanchez, share the following:

I agree with John. And I’ll add 1 layer:

Deep conversation is when we’re talking about the real stuff.

• What’s been on your mind?

• What's really going on?

• What's been driving change in your life?

• Are you facing any struggles that you might need to air out?

We don’t always have the time or the energy to engage in this way, but when we do, it opens the door for connection. And connection is a beautiful thing.

Dropping In South of the Border

In Summer 2022, I went on a surf trip with one of my best friends, Nick.

We rented a little sedan in Tijuana, strapped our surfboards to the roof, and drove south through Baja Mexico. We were absolutely stoked for a week of non-stop surfing. We dreamed of exploring these desolate breaks with no competition for waves.

When we arrived, we got what we asked for - zero crowds. However, we also got what we didn't expect - zero waves. The forecast for the week was not swell: 0ft, 0ft, 0-1ft, 0ft… We did a whole lot of exploring but couldn’t catch a break (pun intended).

However, we didn't let the lack of barrels dampen our spirits. Our supposed misfortune actually ended up being a huge blessing. All of the time we spent in the car searching for something (anything!) meant that we had a ton of time to chat.

Despite being best friends since 2nd grade, we’d lived in different cities for the previous 9 years. So, we had a lot of catching up to do. Traversing the dirt roads of Baja gave us this opportunity. Our journey started with the usual content: “How’s work treating you? How’s the girlfriend? How’s the family?” These topics filled the first day of the trip. But we had 6 more to go…

This meant we faced a choice: stay at the surface or go deeper. Luckily, we chose to descend.

By the end of the trip, we’d covered it all. We talked about the real stuff, the raw stuff, the deep stuff. Some of the stuff, we’d never vocalized to another human. We opened up about the unresolved challenges we were facing, the struggles we were having in work & relationships & family. You know, the stuff that’s usually stuck swishing around inside our heads but never actually escapes out of our mouths to a friend.

So, what enabled this level of sharing? Why were we able to “go there” with each other?

I chalk it up to our shared willingness to go scuba diving together.

On the Boat of Safety

To create a deep connection through deep conversation, we had to be willing to jump in.

To extend the analogy, picture that we’re on a boat. We’re bobbing up & down on the surface-level of the water. At this level, what are we talking about?

The weather, the news, the game. Whatever’s happening right around us. The content that’s readily available and immediately visible.

It might be a shared experience, like COVID. This became a go-to topic for all of us for years, because it was safe to assume that everyone we encountered was going through it too (this might be a bad example, as the COVID topic quickly transformed from surface-level to sensitive in our society).

It might be a mutual contact, a person who we both know but isn't present. Telling stories can help build that bridge of connection. But, I tread carefully here, since this conversational crutch can also quickly divulge into gossip.

We have these types of conversations because they’re safe. We aren’t exposing any information about ourselves, so there's no risk. We’re still in the boat. We're floating on the surface.

But, the exciting excursion begins when we jump in.

Leap of Faith

The journey begins with the simple act of asking a question. An act of genuine curiosity.

It could be a straightforward question, like "How are you?" 

It could be a loaded question like, "How are you feeling about the breakup?" 

It could be a targeted question like, "How is work still meeting your needs?"

The Kickoff Question invites our scuba partner to share something about themselves. We're making an open-handed offer, asking, "Do you want to jump in?"

Now, we have the opportunity to talk about:

• What we think

• What we feel

• What we believe

• Who we are

We can choose to shift our conversation from objective facts to subjective feelings. We can go from baseball to beliefs, pleasantries to personal.

We've crept to the edge of the boat of safety. We have the opportunity to take a leap of faith into the great abyss of the sea. To make the leap requires a mutual trust that the depths below are not as scary as they seem.

Genuine Curiousity

I've seen this work when the questioner is coming from a place of genuine curiousity.

This curious nature is hard to fake. As perceptive animals, we can tell when someone asks, "How are you?" without really meaning it. We can suss out whether it's an automated pleasantry or a genuine desire to know "What's going on in your life?" We can also tell when our partner casts a line to fish for juicy information. Ulterior motives are never as well-disguised as they seem.

With Nick, it was easy to kickoff with genuine curiosity because I truly wanted to know how one of my best friends was doing. I felt out of the loop and I actually cared to know.

Continued Curiosity

Once we jump in, the openness doesn't stop there. The questioner has to choose how they respond to what's shared.

Do they meet their partner with continued curiosity or conclusive condemnation?

After all, we're navigating unchartered territory. We're both swimming through waters that are unfamiliar. If it becomes clear that we're NOT in this together, then surely one of us will be tempted to resurface.

This isn't to say that we have to agree on everything. It's more about meeting what's shared with an attitude of "Hmmm, that's interesting. Tell me more..."

It's an act of open-minded curiosity, then some listening, then asking non-judgmental questions, then... more listening.

If I'm the questioner, then I want to be open. Being open is in my best interest. My partner is acting as my tour guide. They're showing me the parts of the coral that I’ve never seen before. They're gifting me a new perspective. They're expanding my TAM.

I don't have to adopt every belief they share. I can just observe it. I can just enjoy looking at the rugged reef, colorful coral, and schools of fish. I don't have to take 'em all home as a souvenir.

Conclusive Condemnation

Alternatively, we all know what judgment feels like. After diving in, if we feel judged, then we’re inclined to rush back to the surface (or become combative).

“I think affirmative action could be detrimental in the long-term.”

“Don’t be such a bigot.”

[Resurface]

“I’m a follower of Jesus Christ.”

“How could you be so stupid to believe in angels and ghosts?”

[Resurface]

“I’m an atheist.”

“Well, you’re going to Hell.”

[Resurface… only to return to “the depths” in the afterlife I guess]

“I like EDM.”

“You have terrible taste in music.”

[Resurface]

“I don’t like wine.”

“You uncultured swine!”

[Resurface]

We have an allergic reaction to feeling judged. So, like pulling our hand away from a hot stove, the moment our partner makes us feel “wrong” for what we share, then we’re likely going to EJECT from the experience.

So, in order to stay deep after the initial leap, we have to suspend judgment. We have to let curiosity lead. We have to open to the other person with genuine questions. We have to be willing to actually explore together.

The Currency of Trust

As we deepen our depth, we deepen our trust. It becomes a virtuous cycle of opening up.

Open up -> No judgment -> Trust

Open up more -> Suspension of judgment -> Even more trust

We steadily descend, as we're both constantly reassessing whether the depth we’re at is safe for us.

Trust is the currency for us to go deeper.

Building trust is like refilling our scuba tanks with oxygen. The more we have, the deeper we can go. Without it, we can't breathe. Without it, we can never leave the surface-level.

Worth noting, however, that the time it takes to acclimate will be different for each pair. For some it could take minutes, others years. Because we all arrive at the conversation with our own unique set of fears.

We acclimate at our own pace. I might be ready to go to the next level, but, if my partner’s not, then I can’t yank them down. Their eardrums might explode!

So, like all things in life, patience is a virtue.

The Deep-See

To see is to love.

To accept is to love.

To connect is to love.

Oftentimes, we’re too afraid to show the world who we are. We’re too afraid to be judged. We tell ourselves, “If I show others what’s below the surface, then I might be deemed unworthy of love.” So, we never drop below. We never open up.

However, on that trip, when Nick & I swapped surfing for scuba, I realized how rewarding it is to take the leap of faith.

To stay on the boat would've been a missed opportunity. A wonderful world awaits below the surface. We just have to fill up our tanks and jump into the abyss.

The ocean is vast & expansive. The deep-see is waiting for us.

Let's dive in. Let's explore together.

As the legendary Creed Bratton once said: