The Scorecard

A relationship is a team, not a competition.

My partner is just that… a partner. They’re not my opponent. We’re a part of the same circle.

As teammates, we’re working together towards a shared intention. In a romantic relationship, it might be “a happy & harmonious life.” In a work relationship, it’s presumably the mission of the company.

Regardless of what obstacles arise, life is so sweet when we’re aligned on this intention. We can take on anything. We have faith that we’ll “figure it out.” There’s always enough to go around because we’re both contributing to a continually-expanding pie.

1 + 1 > 2

But dang if it ain’t easy to switch over to that “Opponent” POV. It can happen so quickly and in the subtlest of ways.

My Dad once warned me:

Signals of unsanctioned scorekeeping:

“Look at all that I’ve done for you…”

“You’re not carrying your weight around here…”

“I’m giving so much more and getting nothing in return…”

When the scorecard comes out, it's a sign that we’ve switched to a Transaction Mindset. A tit-for-tat approach requiring every move to be calculated & recorded. The relationship becomes an arms-length business deal, where I have to, at least, get my fair share.

However, my grandma parlayed this advice to me (after many decades of marriage):

Sometimes, I’m giving more. Sometimes, I need to be on the receiving end. So, it’s not in my best interest to start measuring. Because I don’t know how the situation might change.

Rather, if mistakes are made, then, it’s better to…

Instead of bringing out the ledger and asking, “Well what have you done for me lately???” or suggesting, “Why don’t we look at all the mistakes you've made in the past?” try to see them as another imperfect human. Try to communicate to them from a place of curiosity, rather than condemnation.

Yesterday, I almost witnessed a promising business relationship blow-up when the two parties weren’t willing to see each other for the long weeks each was having.

• One guy was already late to a client meeting, due to a series of unrelated mistakes. So, he was quite stressed.

• The other wanted to get paid right away, per a prior agreement, but was also rushing to the airport. On top of that, he was utterly exhausted.

Thus, neither wanted to compromise on their position. So, they pulled out the scorecard to compare who had done more for the other over the past week.

Spoiler: this combative conversation went nowhere

It wasn’t until one apologized to the other that they were able to come to a win-win resolution.

It’s not fun (or productive) to be at odds with each other.

So, when the scorecard comes out and I begin lining up against my partner, Step 1 is to remember:

Because, at the end of the game, scorekeeping is a complete waste of mental energy and a combative form of existence.

Who cares about the score at the end of the game anyway?

I just hope both teams have fun!