The Case for Being Selfish

Dear Trent,

To begin, I know the title of this piece is pretty provocative

You’ve been scolded: “Don’t be selfish” since you were a lil kid

After all, being called “selfish” is a sh*tty experience

It’s like riding the fast lane to shame

So why would I suggest you be more selfish?

Well, I’d ask you to suspend judgment for a moment

Just hear me out

You’ll see where this is going…

If, by the end of it, you’re still unsatisfied with the philosophy

Then, express your concerns

And call me any names that you wish

(“Selfish, narcissistic prick” has historically been a crowd favorite)

Tell me about how this will lead to a state of anarchy

Share your worries that this will bring out the worst in society

I welcome all of it

I’d love to talk about it

Yours truly,

Your True Self

A Selfish, Narcissistic Prick (supposedly)

Our society would be better off if we were all a bit more selfish.

I don’t mean being selfish in the sense of taking whatever I want, whenever I want, from whoever I want.

I’m not talking about the selfishness that leads me to steal cookies outta the cookie jar or go for 3rds at Friendsgiving before the host grabs their 1sts. I’m not talking about taking from you, so that I can have for me.

This sorta selfishness isn't truly selfish at all.

First, when I steal from someone else, then I’m signaling that we’re no longer on the same team. In erecting this border to fortify the "Us vs. Them" belief, I'm creating an enemy. I'm voting against our inherent Oneness.

Also, creating an enemy ultimately isn't advantageous for me. Now, I have to look over my shoulder to defend against their counterattack. Now, I have to respond to their ridicule. However our strife manifests, dealing with an enemy becomes an unnecessary distraction from my core mission (whatever mission that may be). So, eventually, this sorta selfishness isn't truly "selfish" for me.

Along with the external invasions I now must combat, I feel immediately worse inside the walls. The deliciousness of the cookie or my 3rd helping of Mac & Cheese is outweighed by the icky feeling of guilty in my tummy. Trust me — speaking from personal experience here. Guilt is NOT tasty and Guilt will leave you feeling empty. 

In the past, I’ve stolen and gotten away with it. The guilt I experienced was not worth a penny of what I’d taken. It ate me up from the inside, as if the Guilty Cookie I grabbed was laced with tapeworm. No matter how much money I stuffed in my bank account, no matter how delicious my life became, that tapeworm consumed the joy I thought it’d bring. The parasite siphoned away all the good vibrations, until there was no sustenance left to feed my soul. All I got was this icky & empty feeling, as if I had a Thanksgiving feast full of rotten celery. All that remained was the chalky, unsatisfying aftertaste of that Guilty Cookie.

I don’t enjoy feeling separate from others. I don’t enjoy harming others. I don’t enjoy competing with enemies or feeling guilty.

In addition to all of that, when I’m selfish in terms of taking what’s not mine, I’m implicitly telling myself: “I don’t have enough already.” It’s the opposite of the “I can give it all away” mentality. When I feel the need to take more, then I’m refuting the belief that “I am Whole already.”

So, just to clarify, I’m not talking about this sorta “selfish.” I do NOT recommend more of this sorta “selfish” in our society.

Instead, the “selfish” I’m talking about is the kind where I unapologetically follow my True Self. And I trust that my True Self is good.

The “selfish” where I decide to be honest — to live honest — regardless of the anticipated outcomes (“positive” or “negative”).

My family, friends, company, landlord, broker, barista, trainer, train conductor, shoulder-to-shoulder subway rider, side-by-side Citi biker, next-door neighbor, and overseas pen pal (R.I.P. AOL) will give me every incentive to conform to what they expect from me. So, it's always going to be incumbent upon me to decide to be selfish.

Otherwise, when I stop being selfish in this True Selfish way, when I reject the guidance of my inner voice & instincts, then this form of neglect will eventually come back to haunt me.

The consequences of neglecting what’s honest could be immediate:

Now, having neglected the voice of my True Self in order to feed my ego, I've set myself up for persisting in a state of misaligned misery. I’m getting drunk, but I don’t want to be. So, as the bloating sets in immediately & the hangover arrives in the morning, I certainly won’t carry the perspective of “I’m so glad I did that! Definitely worth it!”

"To Drink, or Not to Drink?" was the question of the evening. And now I must live with the result of denying the honest answer.

The consequences could also be long-term misalignment (The Wisdom of Step Brothers):

Over the years, like Dr. Doback, I've pursued career paths to satisfy other people. I wanted to impress my parents, grandparents, college peers, and potential lovers. In an attempt to do so, I chose prestige & what was "impressive" over what was honest. I thought this ambition & achievement would make me more admirable, more lovable.

But I lost my dinosaur in the process.

Then, like Dr. Doback, I became bitter, resentful, and regretful. I dreamt of retirement when I could finally do what I wanted (I know Doc is more of a sail-around-the-world-and-go-to-the-Catalina-wine-mixer-kinda guy, but surfing & skiing is more my vibe).

At the age of 28, I was already starting to look back on my life and say, "Oh, what could've been, if only I'd taken a bet on myself..."

At 28!!!!

I was ready to close up shop and call it quits

I was ready to surrender to a lifetime of misalignment

Because I was afraid to let down other people

Because I was afraid of not living up to my potential

Because I was afraid to be called, "selfish"

I'm grateful that I internalized the motivational message from Dr. Doback. Rather than succumb to the inertia of the tracks my Life Train was on, I decided to hop off the Train, take a hard right turn, and chase my Vienna.

On the advice of Miss Kelly Clarkson, I decided to...

It was a selfish decision to become a dinosaur. But, it was honest. And, despite the consequences I faced in unraveling my past attachments, despite the uncertainty I face on a daily basis, I have zero regrets today. I feel aligned in my life & any residual bitterness has vanished.

But, don’t get me wrong, reclaiming this alignment required a series of selfish decisions.

Notably, I decided to spend most of this summer alone… being selfish.

• I dropped off the grid. I stopped replying to texts, calls, and emails

  • There were a few reasons for this, but the primary one was that I wanted to create the space to quiet my mind and hear my True Self

• Like Dr. Doback, I roamed around the backyard & chased the cats (only half-kidding here)

• I went on a 10-day silent meditation retreat

• I worked through The Artist’s Way

• I journaled & meditated

• I journaled & meditated

• I meditated & journaled

• I did some front flips

• I read some books

• I journaled & meditated some more

This retreat from society was undoubtedly a selfish act. I’ll happily admit that. And I also won’t apologize for it, because it was honestly what I needed at that moment. I needed to service some desires of my True Self before moving forward.

When I was ready to return to society, I came back with a renewed focus & creative energy. The time away helped me regain my confidence, remember my Wholeness, and realign on my intention. After taking some time to be selfish, I was, once again, ready to give it all away.

Why is this kind of selfishness better for society?

Because "hurt people hurt people."

As an individual builds up resentment & regret, they inflict that pain on the other people around them, including the next-generation. This creates a vicious ripple effect, as well as a vortex of multi-generational misalignment.

It’s such a consistent pattern that the following examples feel cliché:

The father who didn't live the life he wanted because he did what he was "supposed to" (as judged by his parents). Therefore, Dad requires son to live up to Dad’s unfulfilled dreams so that Dad can live vicariously.

Side note: this is the toxic version of sympathetic joy.

The boss who's jaded about the sacrifices she made to impress her superiors & climb the corporate ladder, so she demands the same dedication from her incoming junior.

The friend who doesn’t have the courage to follow their artistic passions (yet), so they criticize their friend who is.

I’ve felt the calmness, centeredness, & Wholeness that flows out of loving my True Self. When I'm doing my thing, doing what's most important to me, then I'm far less concerned about inflicting my Book of Law on other people. When I'm in that self-fulfilled state, my instinct is to be supportive of other people's desires & endeavors.

This is the state I want to be in if/when I step into fatherhood. So, when I'm struggling to be selfish, I remind myself, "Do it for my (future) kids!" Because there’s no better time than now to build the habit.

Alternatively, if I step into that stage feeling stuck in my life - stuck in a job, stuck in a relationship, stuck in a city, stuck in a lifestyle - then I know I’ll resent my family and the world around me. I’ll feel as though I’m saddled with servicing the expectations of others before ever doing what’s honest for me. I’ll enforce the rules of the regime under which I'm beholden. I’ll try to drag others down to my state of misery.

I’m willing to make this assumption about my Future Fatherly Self, because I’ve observed all of these tendencies in my Past Self whenever I felt stuck in misalignment.

After all…

“Hurt people hurt people.”

“Supported people support people.”

“Loved people love people.”

I want to build a supportive, loving family

I want to live in a supportive, loving society

I want everyone to enjoy that beautiful state called “alignment”

Even if it means we're all a bit more selfish