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Selfish goes both ways
Wishing selfishness for friends & family
To paraphrase an idea from Jack Kornfield (because I can't seem to find the direct quote):
Your true friends are the people who want you to do what will make you happy, even if those plans don’t include them.
True friends want you to be True Selfish. Because they have a vested interest in your happiness. They’ll be less likely to use “selfish” as a weapon, because they experience Sympathetic Joy on your behalf.
(Replace “friends” with “family” and the idea still applies…)
I had a relatively low-stakes, albeit direct, confrontation with this principle last holiday szn…
I helped host a Christmas party in early December. I faced the classic hosting anxiety of: “Will anybody actually show up?” So, it was extremely frustrating when some of my closest confidants didn’t.
Some went to a different party. Some decided to stay home.
In doing so, Little Trent wanted to inflict shame on them:
“Those a**holes! They’re not true friends!”
But, eventually, my True Self regained the mic and reminded me:
“If attending the party didn’t feel like alignment for them, then I’d prefer they didn’t come at all. It’s in each of our best interests for them to be True Selfish this evening.”
I’ve seen every single one of these absent friends since that evening. I’m happy to report that our relationships are still rollin! I’m grateful that they trusted in the strength of our friendship enough to voice their desire not to attend. They knew that 1 event wouldn’t define our friendship forever. And they trusted that I wouldn’t hold a grudge against them.
Granted, I know that if I vocalized “I really need you at this Christmas party”, then they would’ve been there, no matter what. But, I didn’t feel that way. I didn't have that need. So, I didn’t set that expectation. And they elected to follow their inspiration that evening.
I want my friends to respect my choice to be True Selfish. Adhering to the "You get what you give" wisdom and "Go Positive. Go First." mentality, if I show them understanding & acceptance when they choose to follow their inspiration, then they’ll be far more likely to extend the same grace to me.
Because Lord knows there's times when “Not Attending” is my preferred RSVP. Awareness of my own changing preferences supplies me with the empathy I need to see them for their "Think I'm gonna stay home tonight" decision.
Finally, the derivative benefit of not forcing people to come to the party was that I knew that the friends who showed up were the ones who truly wanted to be there.
I didn't have to second-guess whether some came just to please me. Because there's few things more cringey than watching a partygoer arrive with inauthentic pleasantries and struggle their way through an evening of conversation, while they obsessively check their watch every 10 minutes to gauge whether it's an acceptable time to leave.
I don't want to host a half-hearted, half-a**ed party. I want to host one that's full of utterly-stoked, entirely-engaged attendees.
The Christmas mashup the people are waiting for...
P.S. - during the Christmas party, once my True Self was back in control, I was reminded to redirect my focus to who was there, rather than who wasn't. A simple shift to an attitude of abundance.
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