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“Selfish” is a weapon
A bullet used to coerce conformity
Trent Buenzli
December 02, 2024
Re-sharing this quote from Stop Fixing Yourself that showed up in the To Drink, or Not to Drink? piece, because it’s one of my favorites:
Thing 1: I’d rather have happiness than have you.
Thing 2: How could you be so selfish that you would choose happiness over me?
Thing 1: Pardon me, but how could you be so selfish that you would demand I choose you above my own happiness?
I made the case for being selfish to one of my friends, Rodi. I said what I meant, then backtracked a bit…
Trent: It might sound selfish but—
Rodi: —don’t caveat being selfish. The world will give you every reason to feel guilty for being selfish. So, you’ll try to find ways to combat that guilt, but it’s a waste of mental energy. Just be selfish. We're all selfish beings. Just own that. And trust that by being selfish you’ll do good things in the end.
Rodi was highlighting a truth that we all know all-too-well:
"Selfish” is a label that's often used as a weapon to coerce conformity
Experiencing shame when being called “selfish” sucks. It disrupts the identity that most of us hold, the one that claims “I’m a good person.”
I know that when I’m called “selfish,” my immediate reaction is to try to apologize & change my ways.
But I’ve learned to take a breath and evaluate whether the actions being criticized come from a place of alignment for me or not. If they do, then I have to drop below the criticism and move forward.
Not the red pill we’re looking for
Don’t get me wrong, I’m guilty of wielding this weapon too. I have a history of shaming my friends & family for not doing what I want them to do… even if what they're doing makes them happy.
After all, it’s frustrating when people don’t conform to my expectations for them. But controlling other people isn’t my task.
They have the right to choose what alignment looks like for them.
I have the right to choose who to associate with.
So, rather than firing the "selfish" weapon, I've surrendered to having high standards, while giving everyone permission to choose how they want to be “selfish.”
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