The Mutual Suffering Club

Live enough life and there will be certain dates that just carry a different weight. Birthdays, anniversaries, graduations.

10/8 is one of those days for me. 7 years ago, on this day, my roommate & best friend, Henry, died unexpectedly.

I don’t mention this in search of sympathy. I’ve grieved his absence. I’ve surrendered to the uncertainty. I mention this to extend a hand to anyone who might have gone (or might eventually go) through something similar.

Initially, I felt extremely lonely after Henry died (even though I had the good fortune of being surrounded by all of Henry’s best friends & family). The hard part was that they were all hurting too. So, it was hard to find clear-eyed counsel who was immune to the situation.

But, that’s when The Mutual Suffering Club emerged. I was hit up by distant acquaintances, long-lost friends, and extended family members. These people had heard what had happened and reached out to let me know that they had been through something similar. They reached out to let me know that I wasn’t alone.

They shared tactics that helped in their own grieving process. They shared stories about the loved ones they’d lost. They shared how they pulled themselves up from the depths. They shared & they listened. They listened whenever I wanted to speak. But silence was OK too - they knew that sometimes silence is needed in these situations. Ultimately, they were aware of all of these subtleties & feelings because they’d been through this before.

I know how it is, it can be intimidating to be in the same vicinity as someone who’s grieving. For those who are inexperienced in grief, it can seem like a disease. Like if someone gets too close to the bereaved, then it’s contagious and can infect the unaffected.

However, us dealt-with-death veterans know that the opposite is true. A friend’s grief is not a disease to be avoided, but an opportunity to lend assistance. Selfishly, it’s an opportunity to give our own suffering meaning. By showing up for someone who’s affected, suddenly our past suffering can be put to present use.

One of the acquaintances who graciously showed up in my life after Henry died in October 2017 shared the following:

Welcome to The Mutual Suffering Club

Population: Everyone… eventually