Gratitude is my superpower

In 2021, as I completed Jim Loehr’s Leading with Character, I was instructed to write my own Personal Credo.

The principles contained in this document have guided my actions in a meaningful way ever since I wrote them. I’ve used these aspirational values as a way to push myself beyond what’s comfortable and routine. I’ve fallen back on these ideals & reminders when times got tough.

Because, as the very 1st principle of my Personal Credo states:

Right below that is #2:

I know this might sound childish or hyperbolic, but I really mean it. I’ve experienced the seemingly-inhuman, other-worldly powers that gratitude gives me.

As I was working through the 90 days of the Personal Credo Journal, I came to realize that the eras when I was happiest in my life — regardless of circumstance — was when I was practicing gratitude on a daily basis.

Regardless of Circumstance

Gratitude is like the ultimate “positive spin” on any situation. And yet, when the Gratitude Muscle gets built, the resulting feelings aren’t the product of self-delusion. Rather, what’s felt is genuine.

When Henry died unexpectedly in college, I saw firsthand the example from his dad, Sandy, who shifted his perspective to peace upon hearing the news about his son. Sandy’s response encouraged me to transform my own grief into gratitude.

Rather than wallowing in the injustice of Henry’s untimely death, I decided to be grateful for the time we got to share together. We packed 3 years of friendship full of memories. 3 years can feel like “so little time” when I thought I was entitled to a lifetime. But 3 years is an abundance of time when I consider that I wasn’t owed any time at all.

The same can be said about past relationships. Don’t get me wrong — every one of my past breakups have been heart-wrenching. They’re extremely painful to go through while I’m going through it. And none more-so than the most recent.

But, that said, after letting time wash away the pain, eventually, I try to shift my perspective to that of gratitude.

Amidst a breakup, an ex-girlfriend once said to me:

Grateful that the relationship happened at all. It’s a gift to get to share this love in the first place.

Neither of us were owed this relationship.

We weren’t guaranteed the memories or entitled to the experience.

So, it’s powerful to be grateful for it, even if it really sucks to breakup at the end of it.

I got fired from a job earlier this year for past mistakes I’d made. Nowadays, I have a choice to make: to resent the company & management for the “breakup” of the relationship OR be grateful for the ~6 years of learning, friendship, & memories?

I learned from my experience with Henry that it makes me much happier to focus on the life, rather than the death. So, in this case, I could fixate on the firing OR I could choose to remember all of the good times that preceded that momentary, messy ending.

Again, it’s not self-delusion, it’s an active choice. One that we all have. We all have the choice of how we relate to past experiences. And I try to choose the option that makes me happier in the end.

Gratitude serves as a buffer against circumstance. Because, no matter what happens, I can reframe the situation by focusing on the portion that I’m grateful for.

Whether it’s the life, rather than the death

The relationship, rather than the breakup

The years of camaraderie, rather than the departure

I get to choose what to focus on

And I want to choose gratitude

Grateful for the Suffering

Beyond being grateful for the good times, I can choose to be grateful for the lessons learned from the losses and the suffering.

While discussing the loss of his father & 2 brothers in a plane crash, Stephen Colbert has an unforgettable exchange with interviewer, Anderson Cooper (clip):

This one hits me every time… Colbert is using gratitude to reframe a family tragedy into a lesson on how to connect & love more deeply. He’s grateful for his hardship because it’s enabled him to empathize & forgive in his current relationships.

• I’m grateful for Henry’s death because it’s allowed me to connect more deeply with others who have lost loved ones (as part of The Mutual Suffering Club). It’s also shown me the impermanent nature of my existence & the depth of my resilience

• I’m grateful for every past relationship breakup because they’ve highlighted how I can improve as a partner and they’ve given me clarity on what I’m looking for

• I’m grateful for being fired because it taught me lessons about integrity & forgiveness that I’ll never forget. It also injected me with a much-needed dose of humility

Superhuman

In his book, Can’t Hurt Me, David Goggins describes his gratitude reframe for the physical domain:

This is a guy who was a Navy SEAL and runs 300+ mile races (not a typo).

This is a guy who’s found a way to be grateful for his physical pain.

To quote Kristin Neff: Pain x Resistance = Suffering

So, what happens to the equation with the Goggins reframe?

It’s as if he replaced the Resistance with Gratitude.

So now, using the mathematical trickery of substitution:

I won’t weigh in on whether I think Goggins is happy (you’d have to ask him). That said, I am the authority on my own happiness. And, I can share from my n = 1 experience, gratitude has evoked happiness for me, even in the most painful of circumstances.

I’ve found that it’s like multiplying anything by 0, where Anything x 0 = 0

Even when that Anything is Extreme Pain

Given this unverified mathematical proof, it makes sense why gratitude is a Happiness Code Breaker’s go-to tool.

I wanted to put this formula to the test in an extreme circumstance.

So, on November 18, I ran 40 miles along the perimeter of Manhattan. For each mile, I reflected on 1 thing I was grateful for. 

(You can watch me get simultaneously more winded & long-winded here: Part 1, Part 2)

For the entirety of the run, I was experiencing heavy doses of pain. 

• I didn’t have access to any water for the first 23 miles (embodying my camel spirit animal)

• My right calf muscle felt like it was 1 step away from rolling up into my hamstring from ~Mile 25 onward

• The underarm and upper thigh chafe felt like I’d just received a deep tissue massage with sandpaper

• The blisters on both feet were the size of Nantucket

• And I’m pretty sure I got turf toe on the thumb of my left foot

And yet, over the course of the unsanctioned, unsupervised, & unadvisable race, I was happy. I was riding the high of spiritual electricity. At no point was I in a state of misery wishing the experience would end. I was having fun.

That was the longest I’d run by a long shot. I’d done a few marathons over the years, but I’d never blasted past 26.2. I wasn’t planning on running 40 when I started the run, nor did I believe I had 40 in me, but the gratitude kept me going. Gratitude became my renewable energy source. On that day, on Do Something Hard Monday, I felt the beauty beyond the pain. And gratitude had me feeling superhuman.

Non-Denominational Prayer

In recognizing the power of gratitude to shift my perspective, I’ve introduced daily habits intended to sprinkle gratitude throughout my life.

First, before eating, I always say aloud 1 thing that I’m grateful for. 

If I’m in a group, then I often ask everyone at the table to share 1 thing.

It can be profound: “World peace.” “The troops.”

It can be simple: “The food in front of us.” “Family.”

It can be general: “Health.” “Safety.”

It can be nuanced: “The checkout lady at the grocery store was really nice to me today.”

There’s no wrong answers. All that’s requested is “1 thing you’re grateful for.”

I love the idea of a pre-meal ritual so that everyone can begin eating together. The taking of a collective breath before we break bread. Waiting for the cook to sit down, rather than racing around the kitchen while the rest of us start digging in.

However, I’ve found that a religious prayer can become routine for the regulars and be exclusionary to any guests.

I grew up saying the “Our Father” before family dinners. After saying the same prayer for the ~4,000th time, I wasn’t really reflecting on the meaning behind the words “Give us this day our daily bread” (especially as I was staring at a piping hot piece of lasagna in front of me, while thinking about how good the scrabini was gonna be after I lathered up a piece of daily bread with some butter & lapped up the excess meat & cheese sauce).

Also, I despised the awkwardness that hung in the air when a friend would stay over for dinner, and we’d start saying the prayer, and then they’d just sit there silently, as the rest of us stared.

All that said, in college and post-grad, I missed the pre-meal ritual.

So, now, I like to do “Gratitudes” as a form of non-denominational prayer.

Inclusive of everybody, since no religion or culture has a claim on being grateful.

Non-repetitive, as the content is always changing.

Fresh conversation-starter, as I often learn something new about my meal mates.

Above all, it injects a dose of positive perspective. It grounds the group in the recognition that we’re lucky to be here, sharing this meal together, even if we’ve done this 10,000 times before.

And, if I’m alone, I just say 1 thing I’m grateful for to myself. Because I’ll take any excuse to tap into my superpower.

1 Good Memory from Today

Another consistent gratitude practice for me is to write “1 Good Memory from Today” in my nightly journal.

I used to write “3 things I’m grateful for” each night, but I discovered that the content became repetitive: “family, friends, health…” (absolutely nothing wrong with appreciating those things, but I just didn’t want to make this ritual mindlessly routine).

So, now, the “1 Good Memory from Today” gives me an opportunity to reflect on the entirety of my day. It helps me close the chapter by re-reading its most important contents. And, by searching for “1 Good Memory”, I end the reflection by remembering all of my day’s most delightful moments.

It sends me to bed grateful. “Sweet dreams” indeed.

Gratitude Zoom Out

Every Sunday, I attend “My Church.” I spend an hour — ideally doing a solo & flowy activity outdoors — reflecting on what I’m grateful for in my life: the big stuff, the little stuff, the profound & simple. I reflect on all of the above. It reminds me that I already have everything that I need, which makes me less inclined to grasp at more, more, more.

So then, once I’m grounded in gratitude, I set my intentions for the upcoming week. A grateful look-back setting up an intentional look-forward, all while zooming out on the bigger picture.

It’s a time for intentional reflection. A weekly practice borrowed from pretty much every world religion.

Sharing Gratitude Openly

Recently, I’ve started sharing a daily gratitude on TikTok. (Side note: I feel like a Boomer on this platform. So, don’t judge the amateur nature of the content.)

My initial intention for joining the site was to simply fill up a new vessel of creativity. I sorta stumbled into this “What are you grateful for today?” bit. Since then, I’ve just kept rollin’ with it.

That said, it’s been a positive practice for me. Wherever I am, I’m more aware of all the things I could be grateful for…

Maybe it’s sharing a walk with a friend.

Maybe it’s boxing at the gym.

Maybe it’s the professional gardeners of NYC.

Regardless of what I choose for the day, this practice has encouraged me to keep my eyes peeled for gratitude. And my intention in sharing is to inspire other people to use their superpower too.