To drink, or not to drink?

Necessary disclaimer from September 2024:

This piece was originally written July 1, 2023.

My timeline in relation to alcohol has been as follows:

• Pre-August 2021: hadn't taken a break (for longer than a month) since before college

• August 2021 - November 2022: tried the "no drinking" thing for the first time

• November 2022 - July 2023: back on the sauce

• July 2023 - September 2023: another break (sparked by writing this piece)

• September 2023 - April 2024: back-on-the-booze bonanza (including a bachelor party in Cancun)

• May 2024 - August 2024: summer break (if you will)

• September 2024 - ???: we'll see what's on tap

So, as you can see, I've had an on-again-off-again relationship with alcohol over my adult life. I wouldn't label it a toxic relationship or an addiction, but it is often the subject of personal introspection. Therefore, I've hesitated to share this piece because my own decision of whether or not to drink is constantly in flux... and will likely change again in the future.

Sometimes, I'm down to have a beer with the lads. Sometimes, I take an abstinence break that feels like it will last forever (the most recent being this summer). So, please don't read this piece as a holier-than-thou justification of how great I am for abstaining from drinking for any extended period. I just had a beer on Monday night, so any judgment you might feel while reading this is coming from July 2023 Trent - the same guy who ultimately stumbled off his soapbox and had to gulp his own words.

So, my intention in sharing is to highlight a meta-point on judgment. Re-reading this piece over a year later is a reminder to myself of the only piece of wisdom that I'm willing to stand by with unwavering conviction:

"This too shall change."

Perspectives shift. Circumstances change. I change. Meeting these changes with non-judgmental awareness helps to protect against unnecessary suffering, while opening the door for self- and other-compassion.

Also, I chose to publish the below piece to share the internal (and sometimes, external) talk track I use when opting into a break. It helps me confront the inevitable peer pressure and self-rationalizing that follows. This is for all the friends who've expressed to me that they want to take a break but don't know how they would manage it amidst their social & work lives that are built around "grabbing drinks." These are the mental frameworks that I use when I decide to.

Finally, for anybody who does struggle with alcohol dependency, I have absolutely zero judgment. Lord knows I've got my own set of addictions. All I'll say is that AA is one of the most finely-run organizations & supportive communities that I've ever witnessed.

With proper caveats in place... let's pour it up (or pour it out).

7/1/23

Quote from Stop Fixing Yourself:

“I’d rather have happiness than have you.”

“How could you be so selfish that you would choose happiness over me?”

“Pardon me, but how could you be so selfish that you would demand I choose you above my own happiness?”

Peer Pressure

Lately, I’ve felt guilty for choosing my own happiness. One realm of this misalignment in my life has been the choice of “To drink, or not to drink.”

If I start by asking myself, “Why drink?”, then keep asking myself “Ok, but why?”, then I eventually arrive at the rationale of “I drink so that the people I’m with feel comfortable having a drink themselves.”

I meetup with a friend at a bar. We sit down. They order a cocktail. I order a club soda. I hear the comment:

“Damn, well now I feel like an alcoholic. You’re gonna make me drink alone?”

I’m at a friend’s birthday dinner. It’s a special occasion.

I say: “I’m gonna stick with water.”

My friend gets upset: “Dude are you serious? Not even on my birthday?!? Come on. Live a little.”

I’m at a work dinner. It’s a 5-star steakhouse. Nice wines are flowing.

The voice in my head speaks up: “I know I don’t really want to drink but this is expensive stuff. I’d never buy this on my own, so I feel like I should try it while I can.”

PDS vs FAS

In each case, I might succumb to the pressure from myself or my peers. I enjoy the act of drinking in the moment. As someone who carries around a lot of metaphorical weight, there’s no doubt that the lightness that follows the ingestion of a libation is quite sensational. And my ego especially enjoys satisfying other people’s desires. So drinking simply feels good… for the moment.

But then, I’m signing up to live in the Post-Drink State (PDS) until I sober up. Oftentimes, this PDS runs contrary to the state of being where I tend to feel most open, aware, energized, healthy, and sharp: my Fully Alive State (FAS).

PDS is better characterized by a dulled mind, muted awareness, drained energy, and inconsistent sleep. I get frustrated when I’m unable to find the words to express what I want to say. My wet brain in PDS is slower and more forgetful than my wit in FAS. I’m not always expecting to be in FAS but I also know that drinking certainly doesn’t move me incrementally closer to it. Instead, the PDS can sometimes extend all the way until I’ve beat the hangover. 

I despise when my Past Self puts my Present Self in a position of “playing from behind.” When I'm hungover, I feel the need to sweat it out just to “get back to baseline.” My choice to indulge last night subjected me to a whole host of must-do morning activities to overcome the previous evening's indulgence.

FAS is waking up in the morning with a blank slate. No obligations. Just excitement to embrace whatever the day has to offer.

Drinking Intentions

My initial intention with alcohol was to use it to aid in connection. I took a 15 month drinking hiatus that ended in November 2022. I then decided to reintroduce the sauce for two primary intentions: 1) deep conversation over drinks and 2) “letting loose” with friends. The underlying theme of both intentions being “connection with others.”

Alcohol can be a tool for both, so I understand why people use it for these purposes. However, after re-running the experiment for the last 7.5 months, I’m unconvinced that drinking is the best tool for the job for me.

(Trent from September 2024 here: note how many times I've re-ran the experiment since then... "this too shall change.")

Deep Conversation

Deep conversation starts with trust. Then trust compounds as vulnerability is met with non-judgment.

So the inhibiting factors for me to go deep with another is when I feel less-than-Whole myself and/or when I don’t trust the other person.

First, when I’m feeling self-protective & afraid, I can’t expect to be open with others. My walls are up. My defenses are intact. Nobody is getting in!

Second, in a situation where I’m choosing to drink to satisfy another, despite not wanting to myself, I’m inherently telling myself that I don’t trust the other person to see me for my choice to abstain.

Like the quote at the top of this piece, I’m expecting them to accuse me of "selfishness", even though this choice will make me happy.  I don’t trust that they’ll respect my choice, so I preemptively neglect my True Self.

So I’m choosing to start this interaction from a place of mistrust. Hard to go deep on that shaky foundation.

Also, this act of neglecting my True Self sparks an adverse reaction in me where I get tense and frustrated. Unwilling to admit that it’s me doing the hurting and me driving the misalignment, I begin to judge others and experience resentment towards them.

My internal talk track becomes:

“Why’d you force me to drink? I didn’t even want to.”

“I shouldn’t have done this.”

“Now I’m gonna sleep like sh*t tonight. This was a mistake.”

(Meanwhile, the other person in the situation shoulders no blame. They simply exercised their own individual choice of “To drink, or not to drink.” I completely respect them for their choice. I don’t judge them for whichever choice they make. It’s time that I extend that same non-judgmental stance to myself.)

So, if drinking feels like misalignment and then I choose to do it anyway, then I’m setting myself up for failure. If I feel unseen, then how can I expect to see another?

In this way, the act of drinking runs counter to the drinking’s intention: connection. The tool that’s meant to build the bridge is widening the divide.

“Let’s grab a drink”

“What about the great conversations I’ve had over drinks the last 7.5 months? Surely quitting drinking will limit my ability to meet up with other people, especially in NYC.”

In the past, I’ve bought into the narrative that “all there is to do in NYC is eat & drink.” This is a completely false belief. A cop out for me to avoid exploring new activities.

There’s no doubt that I had some engaging conversations over drinks while in the city. But I’m also convinced that those conversations were just as likely to happen over a cup of coffee. The type of liquid isn’t the driver of the connection. It starts with the decision to get together and be present in conversation. The "let's get a drink" only serves as the excuse to gather.

Also, tactically speaking, this type of gathering is limited to certain nights of the week. For the last 7.5 months, my preference is to not drink from Sunday to Wednesday. So if we agree to “do drinks” then that leaves Thursday to Saturday to meetup. The same days that most social plans get scheduled. High demand. Limited supply.

Also, for me, “doing drinks” is limited to specific times of day. I can’t remember the last time I indulged in a morning cocktail. A mid-afternoon glass of wine wouldn’t put me in the best position to excel at my work. So that leaves Thursday night, Friday night, or Saturday to meetup.

Meanwhile, “let’s go for a walk” can be suggested & accepted any day & any time.

This type of gathering is characterized by loads of flexibility. We can meet anywhere. We don’t have to worry about what’s on the menu. We won’t be distracted by  the waiter checking in every 20 minutes asking, “How are y’all doing?” We can just flow in conversation.

Also, it’s free! If a liquid must be consumed, then a coffee can be picked up within 5 minutes and brought to-go anywhere.

And finally, it’s healthy! Nothing like getting some steps in outside while connecting with a friend. If the weather sucks, then we can always walk next to each other on a treadmill (for the low price of a $50 guest pass to Equinox).

On my most recent NYC trip, I met up with a friend at 6pm on a Wednesday for a walk & talk. This would have otherwise been prime “let’s get a drink” hours. Instead, we enjoyed the sunset on the Hudson River, while racking up some steps & getting lost in conversation.

So I’m not concerned about the impact of this “no drinking” decision on my social life, at least for the social connections that I want to build. If anything, it opens up a new world of optionality. If the intention is connection via deep conversation, then the setting & timing knows no bounds.

Letting Loose

What’s the feeling of “letting loose”? What’s the felt experience?

It’s playful. It’s freedom. It’s releasing inhibitions. Dropping my walls. Dropping my guard. Choosing to be carefree.

One way I express this is dancing. My moves might be a bit more groovy & flowy when I’m drinking (or maybe it just seems that way). But my decision “To dance, or not to dance” isn’t dependent on my level of alcohol intake. It’s more dependent on how attached I am to others’ perceptions of me in that moment.

“Do I feel Whole?” If I do, then I’m completely unbothered by others’ perceptions. So, then, there’s nothing stopping me from getting on the dance floor. I have no concern for the ~perceived~ quality of my moves. I’m just out there having fun.

“Do I feel insecure?” If I’m feeling self-conscious, then I’m less inclined to let loose. I’m looking over my shoulder to see who’s watching. To see who’s judging. To see whether I’m doing this whole “carefree” thing correctly.

It’s not correlated to the booze. The driver is how I view myself.

It starts with remembering my Wholeness. When I choose alignment, then I’m rolling. I have momentum. I enter a natural state where I have no choice but to “play free.”

Jesus Drank

“I drink so that the person / people who I’m with feel comfortable having a drink themselves.”

I can’t change how other people feel. The choice of how to frame the situation is entirely theirs to own.

If they choose to be uncomfortable, then that’s their choice.

“Really?!? I’m the only one drinking tonight?”

If they choose to feel judged, then that’s their choice.

“You’re probably judging me for drinking on a Tuesday. Trust me I’m not an alcoholic.”

If they choose to feel Whole, then that’s a perfectly valid option too.

“Ok cool. I’m gonna have a drink but I respect your choice not to.”

I don’t judge them positively or negatively whether they choose to drink or not. I have no interest in swaying their choice, since their choice has almost no bearing on me. (Unless I’m driving them home and they’re debating their 22nd shot of Jose Cuervo Golden Margarita. Then I might step in just to ensure my car doesn’t get a new paint job & they don’t wake up tomorrow morning tasting the tequila for the 2nd time.)

If I’m the only one not drinking, then it actually gives me a chance to put this non-judgment on display. I truly don’t have any judgment for those who choose to drink, so I get an opportunity to demonstrate this “I don’t mind” mentality.

“To drink, or not to drink” isn’t a moral choice. Jesus was known to enjoy a glass of wine and he was a pretty good guy. I don’t believe one’s choice paints them as a “good” or “bad” person. Like all choices, it just presents an opportunity to choose alignment or misalignment. 

At this stage, right now, “not to drink” feels like alignment for me. Alignment in how I want to live and what I’m prioritizing. I’m entirely aware that this might change tomorrow, a week from now, a year from now, or never. I don’t know if or when it does change. In the meantime, I’ll just stick to choosing alignment. 

My intention for re-running the drinking experiment was to connect with others. The choice to put drinking on pause requires me to create new ways to foster this connection. It feels like a cool opportunity to flex my imagination. I’ll cheers to that!