Unbothered

My friend, Chris, once said to me:

I wish I felt the same way about myself. I still get affected by other peoples’ judgments. I find myself adjusting my actions and swaying from alignment in order to curtail criticism or pursue praise.

Aware of this, I make it a point to remind myself each day that I don’t control others’ perceptions of me, that my task is to live in alignment, to live honestly. Then, their judgments will be what they may.

I know that this will be a lifelong, daily journey. Much like a consistent workout routine is critical to sculpting a healthy body, this reminder to be unbothered will be an everyday exercise if I want to live a fulfilling life.

Because being unbothered by others’ judgments is a prerequisite for being selfish. And being selfish is the action of living in alignment.

This is the case made in the book, The Courage to be Disliked, which highlights the theories of Alfred Adler.

It proposes that to live in alignment I must be willing to brave the shame that others will attempt to inflict on me in order to incentivize my conformity.

• People might call me "selfish"

• They might inform me of my "wrongness"

• They might even abandon or exile me for what I choose to do

In this way, it's challenging to be True Selfish. Being True Selfish requires doing the upfront thinking on who I want to be, rather than settling for the external expectations of who I ought to be. It's far easier to choose the latter. Because nobody questions conformity.

Nobody questioned my decision to pursue a high-paying finance profession. Making a lot of money is a well-understood & often-lauded endeavor in our society. So, I wasn't questioned on my way into the profession...

However, a lot of people didn't understand my decision to leave it. This decision simply didn’t compute in the eyes of society: "How could you leave behind so much money?"

These judgments are difficult to face. But, being True Selfish meant having the courage to own my self-determinant responsibility.

After all, I'm the one who has to live my life.

• I’m the one showing up to the office everyday

• I’m the one laying next to the spouse I’ve chosen to marry

• I’m the one walking around the world in the body that I’ve constructed

So, I’ve realized that it's worth investing in answering these questions:

• What do I want?

• What do I value?

• What does success look like to me?

• Who do I want to be?

If I’m honest in answering these questions & continue to be honest along the way, then I’m far more likely to see it as “getting to” live my life, rather than “having to.” 

And I’m far more likely to be unbothered by the opinions of others as I do.